I finished this book almost two weeks ago, but I didn’t feel compelled to write about it for a while. Partially, I wasn’t sure I had anything meaningful to write about. But partially, I knew that I did and just didn’t want to write it.
To quickly summarize, the book walks us through the main character – a consultant’s wife – trying to make sense of why their family is so frantic and why it is such a challenge for their family and others to eliminate the chaos using the same methodologies used by her husband’s consulting firm. In the end, she consolidates the questions into three big questions that are used to identify the family, establish a rallying cry, and how to track towards the completion of their big goal.
I have several feelings and observations about this book and the concept. However, before I dig in, let me first say that I love my wife and my children more than anything else. Without them, I would be lost and have no purpose in my life. They are my everything.
Next, let me say that I don’t intend for my comments or words to come across as sexist or insulting in any way. But my perspective is that of a man, a husband, and a full-time worker, and while I do my best to see things from multiple perspectives, it’s hard for me to see perspectives that I don’t live, haven’t lived, and won’t live.
With that out of the way, let’s dig in. To start, this concept is hard for me to grasp. While I understand that a family is a type of organization and essentially a team, I find it difficult to see how these concepts could realistically be applied to a modern-day family. This isn’t to say it’s not possible, but there are some barriers to try to overcome.
The first barrier is discussed often throughout the book. There can be so much chaos and noise every single day in a family that it can be difficult to have the time or energy to discuss these topics in any meaningful way. For example, the main characters in the book had to pay for hours and hours of babysitting time. I don’t know how much that was in 2008 when this book was written, but in 2025 we’re talking over a thousand dollars easy unless you’re fortunate enough to have friends or family willing to help pro bono.
The next barrier is being able and willing to have difficult conversations. I’ve been married long enough to know that most arguments aren’t won, at least not for me. Even when I’m right, I am wrong. I fully believe that if I were to even attempt to bring these concepts to my wife I’d be laughed at, yelled at, or given the cold shoulder and complained about to her friends and family. And why not? The main character in the book took a simple phrase that was said with no real thought behind it, and it drove her to the point where she was obsessed with coming up with this model. And yes, obsession is the right word to describe what she did in my opinion. If I were to attempt that with my family, my wife would instantly take it the same way assuming that I am ridiculing her or coming down on her presupposed inability to take care of things for the family. What would happen? After the fight, I’d end up having to do all the work anyway. And who has time for all of that?
The last barrier is the resources available. In the book, the main character can walk her friends and their spouses through the model together. She was a resource for them as a guide and confidant. Who is the guide and confidant for other families? Where are the resources to keep the previous barrier from occurring and turn things into a battle where both sides leave wounded, frustrated, and have less trust in each other than they did going into it in the first place?
Mind you, this book is fantastic. It’s another great read by author Patrick Lencioni. It is rife with potential, but unfortunately, I honestly feel like that is all that it is. It’s potential. An ideal of what could be possible but is highly unlikely to be achieved. Please give this a read yourself and let me know in the comments if you disagree. I honestly want to know and would love to have an open dialogue if you’ve used this model or believe it can be used and be successful for your family. For the barriers above, I’d also like to know how those could be addressed. I hope someone reaches out to shed light on this for me. But if all I take from this book is a nice story with some good ideas, that’s still worth the time to read another awesome book!
